You really coming over, don't trick.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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