I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
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She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
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I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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