I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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