your room smells of hookers.
And success
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
