I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If I die, sorry about rent.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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