Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
