Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
