I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Randomize
