My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize