I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
