Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
