Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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