I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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