It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
