my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
