if only i could text you this smell
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
