You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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