I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Vodka?
Forever.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I need a beard to bite.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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