made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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