i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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