Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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