I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
