My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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