My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
