I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
