Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
