does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
