There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
