I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
