how can u be prego again
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
