I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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