I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
