i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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