Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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