can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
