the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
