Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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