I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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