The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
