If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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