Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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