come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
