wanna go halves on a baby?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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