awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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