Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
