i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
