i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
