She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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