Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
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we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
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I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
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