I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
