Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
