My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
