we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
