the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
