I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
