i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
