Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
