I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
