look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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